Carrie Cameron Martin
My story isn’t one of miraculous healing or a life transformed right before your eyes. It is a story of survival and a fight back from the depth of unimaginable grief. It is full of purpose, hope and a redemptive plan.
The Author wrote loss into my life long before I held my son as he went into the arms of Jesus. Loss began the day I heard the words of my doctor through the telephone line, “you will never be able to carry your own children.” As a woman who had dreamt for years of her own family, those were the last words I wanted written in this chapter of life.
The Author’s plan was written long before I was formed by Him. One of the most important lines written in my life was of the day I was adopted into my Author’s family. Little did I know at that time, a different adoption would be the means in which my family would come to be.
The pages continued through desperate prayers on my knees with many tears begging God to become a mom. Year after year it would go unanswered as I watchedothers welcome adoptees into their families. Now that I look back at the lines being written, I see God’s purpose behind the wait.
The day our prayer was answered as we watched as our son enter this world, was the best line written in my book of life. Twenty-eight days later I watched as the Author of my story wrapped my son into His arms and took him home.
The day I buried my son I had two options; I would hold onto what little ink was left and let the Author continue to write my story or let it dry up and drown in my grief. My only hope was to hold tightly to the Author and let Him continue to write my story. That is what I did.
I would like to tell you my healing came quick and without much work on my part, but that is not how it goes. If God is going to use this pain for His glory, I would have to walk through the fire for the ashes to do their work. I was burnt and exhausted, but I was determined to let God do His work. I was desperate to see His redemptive power, for Him to show up with love, grace, and most of all purpose.
I dove deep into the pages of His word for months, clinging to Jesus. I read the Word and let the Holy Spirit guide me page after page as I wrote of my grief, anger, and questions. I screamed, I cried out, and I asked why. I kept coming back again and again to God until the healing started.
I don’t believe time is the answer to healing. I believe the heart needs to go to its’ Creator for healing. Time does not know the heart and what it needs to put the pieces back together, that is the Author of life’s job.
It wasn’t easy but as the pages turned my story began to sing, the sun was rising, and Jesus kept showing up. He showed up in ways only He could, through family, friends, and strangers. God was in the midst of my life and at times I felt as if I could reach out and touch Him. I had never felt closer to Him than in those times.
God called my husband and I to be parents to a very special child. I now believe our story to become parents took so long because there was a certain little boy God needed us to love for a short time on earth, but always in our hearts. If the pen had a chance to rewrite it, I would not erase the pages.
Cameron is where my new chapter in life began, where I can see the words clearer than ever before. I now know without a doubt Jesus is my all and all and the pen writing my story is meaningless without the Author to control it.
Not everyone will have a miraculous story or a life changing experience, but I do promise you this: if you hold on to the Author and finisher of your faith you will have extraordinary chapters. Had the phone not rang over 20 years ago and the doctor had not spoken those words, Cameron wouldn’t have been mine and that is the part of my story I would never change.
P.S. Joy comes in the morning and six months after Cameron was welcomed into his Heavenly home we welcomed our second son T. He certainly has been a light in our darkness and joy in our suffering! T is a very active 3 year old who certainly keeps us young. I can’t imagine life without this big browned eyed little boy. I can’t say the our adoption journey was easy, but worth it, absolutely!!