Nikol Dekazou

Dear Younger Self,

You are uniquely beautiful exactly as you are right now, this moment.

MRKH is molding you into a kinder, more empathetic human being. Practice gratitude, but also self-compassion. MRKH is tough. It’s important to recognize the hardship while still recognizing MRKH does not define you. MRKH is more like a life companion constantly challenging you to become stronger. It’s pretty cool, actually. You just have to choose to see it that way.

A warning. Be aware of how much marijuana you are smoking and why. Does smoking so much serve you? Or are you just running from tantalizing emotions? Endometriosis is painful. I know the smoking helps, but is that really the only reason why you are smoking? Acknowledge and confront what you are feeling. Even though it’s going to be emotionally painful, don’t stay lost in a stoner’s wonderland. Visit sometimes. You’ll enjoy it more that way.

This is where you need to stay strong.

About sex. You had hoped to have tried it by now. But let me propose a question: does not the concept of virginity exist simply to marginalize and define a woman’s worthiness within mar- riage and society? Think about it! The idea that sex is defined as penis in the vagina is outdated. Virginity does not matter, but your sexual wellness does. As does your sexual self respect.

I can assure you the ability to access sexual pleasure is not defined by a lack of or a creation of a vaginal canal. You have all the pleasure parts you need! Vulva, clitoris, labia, mons pubis, and even the skin all over your body. Did you know 90% of sexual experience is brain chemistry dancing with the sensations in the skin itself? And your clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings.
Yes, eight thousand. You’ve got all the feels, don’t worry!

Something to remember. Your sexuality will and can evolve when you feel ready. Don’t hold back. Don’t be afraid when you are kissing someone that they might realize your vagina is shal- low. There are so many other pleasurable things you can do with a partner. Be open and commu- nicate so you can feel comfortable and free during intimate moments. Explore oral sex and touching. Explore your body. Explore it just as you were before diagnosis.

You are you, darling. It took me a long time to understand this, but desirability has nothing to do with the shape or depth of a vulva or vagina. Seriously. Nothing.

Confidence in yourself is what makes you attractive!

There’s no reason to hinder growing up, or growing sexually, because of MRKH. You simply need to modify your journey and question the perceptions and definitions of sex existing in this world. And, of course, you simply have to communicate with your partners: what you like, which parts of your vulva are most sensitive, and what you are and are not comfortable doing (and ask what they like too!).

MRKH is going to throw many obstacles into your life. It’s hard. But do not forget MRKH is also a gift. Being born the way you were provides the opportunity for you to learn yourself deeply, and at a faster rate than you would have otherwise. You are whole and complete inside of yourself.

I’ll tell you the secret: accept yourself exactly the way you are. Right now. This moment. You do not need to be ‘fixed’, for life’s path alters for all who walk along the trails of existence.

P.S. All in all, you’re alright! Remember what Jeffery Lewis says in his folk punk, “It’s the one’s who have cracked who let the light shine through.”

All my love,

You (at nearly 30)