Me, Myself, and MRKH
Dear younger me,
Up until this age of your life, you have been dreaming constantly of carrying a baby, bringing it to this world, and starting your family. I don’t blame you, it probably is every woman’s dream or goal. But my darling you are about to experience the hardest, darkest, and loneliest phase of your life.
I see you sitting on that couch next to mom, with dad and your brother and sister in the room. Dad is now talking about God’s plan for each and every one of us and how sometimes things happen that we cannot understand, but must have faith that it is what’s best for us. And now he is explaining to you what the doctors found out during your ovarian cyst surgery.
I can see how much you are hurting right now; I know the pain you are feeling seeing your dream shatter in front of your eyes. That look in your eyes of fear and depression is familiar. I wish I could hug you and tell you everything is going to be okay, but I also know you are sick of hearing this from everyone around you already. You are wondering and asking yourself why me? What’s wrong with me? Out of everyone who hates children and doesn’t plan on having them, why pick someone who dreams of it? Is this really the works of God? What is the Wisdom behind this? At this point, I know you already started pushing everyone away and lost all your hope and faith.
I’m writing you this letter because there are things that you need to know. I’m sure you’re not going to like this one bit because it is easier to play the role of a victim, sit back and blame God, faith, and the world for your problem, but be strong and go through it all because you need it – this is how you will grow and eventually realize that who you will be in 10, 20, 30 years… is greatly shaped by this one rare condition.
Stop hiding your pain
Putting on a brave face, acting all tough and strong, and moving on with life so quickly and easily; Just don’t. Well, at some point you will, but now is not the time. Allow yourself to grieve, don’thold any emotions in. That emotional rollercoaster will screw you over if you keep holding it in. I know you’ve always believed in ‘ignoring it till it fades away’. To tell you a little secret, I sometimes still think like that, but not with this. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! While you may think people won’t understand, you would be surprised by how many will stand by your side, starting with your family, as believe me when I tell you this, it’s always better than how we imagine it will be. If you still feel like no one gets you, get on that damn computer and search for MRKH, something I know you always ignored to do because you just wanted to forget about it. You are part of a community; there are many women out there who are just like you and who can guide you. Drag mom into this community with you because I am sure she needs to understand as well.
Hater will hate, focus on the positive
You will reach a point where people around you find out about your case, some of them before you even do. You will hear some comments being thrown here and there, such as “how lucky would a girl be that cannot get pregnant, she can have all the unprotected sex she wants”. This will make your blood boil even though you still don’t know they are talking about you.
In university, you will also face a lot of bullshit from guys, sometimes even girls. How did they find out? Who told everyone? All the guys that are coming up to you “offering” you to take you to bed. Fuck them (no pun intended). You will refuse, they will talk and lie, you will get hurt. Most of that is your fault. I know it’s difficult to hear but it really is. You could’ve stopped this if you only had the courage to speak up, to seek professional help & guidance. Instead, you kept your head down, hearing all those lies and rumors about you and crying in your room all day and night. I know it’s tough but you are way tougher than that. So screw what others say, push yourself to be bolder, and stop victimizing yourself. Confidence is the most important thing you will have.
Infertility is not a taboo
You are being way too hard on yourself. You shouldn’t keep quiet and feel ashamed because society doesn’t speak up about this. Infertility is not a taboo. YOU ARE NOT A TABOO. We grew up in a world that teaches us that each woman’s goal in life it to eventually be a mother, and if you couldn’t then what is the use of you? Well that’s some load of bullshit. Speak up, teach them the many ways you can make a difference in this world. Normalize it for yourself and others who, like you, are hiding because of shame. Search for doctors who specialize in infertility and try to have a talk with them that can go public, go talk to newspapers. Yes you will feel like they are using you because of your rare case and story, but believe me it is worth it because people will finally get to know. People will understand and girls like you will reach out to you for guidance and help. You can help create this world especially here in the region where infertility and an incomplete reproductive system is not to be ashamed of.
Suicide is the coward’s way out and YOU are STRONG
You’re hurt – I know. But that will not solve anything. Again, stop victimizing yourself and stop being so selfish. The people around you care about you, they love you. What did they ever do to deserve this trauma? Let go of your emotions, open up to your family, and just cry with them. I know these are dark days but believe me when I say there are brighter days ahead. Your journey is just beginning and it is an amazing one. You will learn to love yourself, you will learn that MRKH made you who you are, with all its downs there are way more ups. You just got to allow yourself to experience it fully, to embrace it, and accept all its challenges. That’s how you will grow stronger.
Am I enough?
Now I say this out of love, but I will slap the shit out of you if you ever think like that again. You’re going to meet many people. Some will run away the moment they hear about this, but others will stand by you and support you. Someday you will meet someone that will be in absolute awe about you and you will hear him say “I don’t get how you say you are incomplete. You are as complete and perfect as it gets”. And you know what, that’s absolutely true, you are enough, you are complete, you are perfectly flawed just like everyone else, what you have and who you are is greatly shaped by what you experienced and you sure as hell will be proud of who you will be in the future. You will learn a lot of valuable lessons about compassion, love, humility, and kindness, and it will shape you to be an amazing lady. Be kind to yourself, love yourself, and let yourself find love.
The only way out is through
There are no shortcuts, the only way to get out of this phase is to go through it. There will be a lot of times where you will feel uncomfortable, but it is when you are out of your comfort zone where you really grow and become confident. Afraid of telling your partner about your case? Tell him on the spot. Afraid of opening up to your friends? Do it and see who sticks by your side. Afraid of taking that extra step to learn more about your case? Open that laptop and just research. I know you don’t want to hear this but it’s the truth. If you only take the easy road your life will be disappointing, but if you take the more difficult road throughout your journey, you will build strength, resilience, and skills that will allow you to end up at a stage in your life where you can achieve what you want. You need to make a choice now; do you want to be comfortable or do you want to have the life you want?
One for all, and all for one
This may seem hard and useless to think about when you can’teven help yourself. It all starts in that split second where you decide to not give a crap about what people will say, let go of your fears and just let everyone see who you really are – with all your flaws. Light up that bomb babe, give them a bang they will never forget. That’s when you will finally be at peace with yourself, and you will be able to think of others who are experiencing the same. Follow groups, search for people who are desperately searching for someone to understand them. Stand by them, give them advice, and allow yourself to break down from time to time with them. Let me tell you something you will be excited about: one day you are going to search for your name and you’re going to find newspapers all over the world talking about you! You will also be receiving random messages on Facebook and Instagram after you decide to be strong and brave enough to talk to your local newspaper about your case. This is when the worst part of your journey will be over, and it will be something you look back to and thank God for it.
Forward 11 years later, you will find yourself writing this same exact letter. Your journey is not over yet, in fact, it is far from over. Our MRKH journey will still be a rollercoaster but at least it will be a ride that we will enjoy and can’t wait to experience.
Stay strong, warrior.