Stacey Brown

Dear Stacey,

Hey girl, it’s a year later and you’re 26. I know you wish you had more time. 17 is such a different age from 25. You feel as if you’re old enough and mature enough to handle anything that comes your way. I know you weren’t ready to be diagnosed with MRKH. Everything was happening so fast it went from an ultrasound, to an MRI, to an official diagnosis. I know you wanted the world to stop but everything around you kept going.

You were in grad school and you didn’t have the time to deal with it. You didn’t allow yourself the time to deal with it. You kept hiding from your feelings, until you were forced to confront them. Now it feels like you’re playing catch up. You wonder whether if you had found out at 17 maybe you would have more time. More time to process and accept. More time to consider surgery. It would have been surgery number three instead of surgery number six. I want you to know there will never be a perfect time.

You want to rush your healing, but I advise you not to. I know you’re tired of crying about something you can’t control. I know you couldn’t control the way you were born. It will be extremely frustrating, and you will ask God over and over again “why me”. You’re going to be angry with God. I want you know it was okay to be angry with God. You’re going to search for an explanation and never find one. MRKH becomes another insecurity added to the list.

You question if a guy will ever love someone like you, but I want you to take this time to love yourself. You begin to feel like less of a woman. You no longer feel feminine or sexy and you begin to hate your body.

I want you to know you will not be broken by this. You will see the beauty in vulnerability. You will share your story and receive so much love and compassion. You are not alone. You will find support groups. You will realize that there are women who share different versions of the same story. You will find a support group for black women and build a sisterhood with them. 

You will allow people to support you and you will reach out for help when you need it. Your friends and family will show up for you in unimaginable ways. I know it feels like you’re running out of time but take your time. I know you feel pressured to figure out adoption or IVF or surrogacy. Don’t rush it. Cry if you need to and eventually it will get easier. It’s just not easy right now.

Some days will be harder than others. You will learn that in order to figure out what your triggers are you must allow them to trigger. That part will suck. This can include baby showers, Mother’s Day, and pregnancy announcements. Some days you will shatter into a million pieces just for God to put you back together. You were chosen for a purpose. I think you will figure out why once you stop questioning your purpose. Once you stop questioning your existence. Somebody needs your story, somebody needs your voice, somebody needs your poetry.

A year from now you would have grown so much. You redefine what it means to be a woman. You redefine what it means to be worthy. I am beyond proud of you. Always remember to love yourself, celebrate yourself, and grieve with grace.