Dear Little Charlie
Right now things are scary. It all seems a little surreal. Everything that you thought was possible in the future suddenly is thrown into doubt. You don’t know what to do with yourself or how you should feel. Just know that this is totally natural.
You are now thinking about what this means and you aren’t really ready for it. There is so much going on and so many questions you have and it all seems too much. It is hard to believe you are only 17. This feels like something an adult has to deal with. You just thought you were a late bloomer and that it would just happen later.
It is ok that they didn’t.
I know it feels embarrassing speaking to your friends about it or trying to be part of conversations on periods and not really knowing what to say. You will grow to learn that it is not just those with MRKH that don’t have periods and whilst people you tell may latch onto the fact you don’t have periods as a huge positive it doesn’t take away from what you have lost. Although it is ok to be happy not to have periods too.
You have lost something you hoped to have and you need to let yourself grieve that. Maybe it sounds silly but trust me don’t just bury those feelings away. You are allowed to cry.
There comes a point in your twenties when you realise things aren’t quite right but you don’t know how to deal with it and you bury it. There are times you have been scared to talk about it or admit you need help.
Don’t be scared. Don’t hide it and absolutely don’t be ashamed to ask for help.
I know you get there in the end but don’t forget when you get there you need to be open, the only way you can get help is to be open about how you are feeling and let them help you find ways to move towards acceptance. Recognizing your own mental health is not something to embarrassed by. Be strong and know that the important thing is doing something that is helping you. Who cares what anyone else thinks?
Always look for love. Love in your friendships, love in yourrelationships and love for and from your family. You have a habit to wear your heart on your sleeve and get hurt easily. Don’t flit. Take your time and make sure you are making a right choice for you. Don’t feel bullied into a decision, any decision. Also remember to communicate and share your feelings, you are all too good and hiding them, and that isn’t helpful to any relationship.
You will find support almost accidentally in not too long from now but know there are so many more people out there andyou will find them. There are support groups out there too. As soon as you meet just one other person you will instantly know you are not alone.
The future is scary but the more you worry about that the less you live in the now, the life you are in right now. Baby steps little Charlie. Take your time. Life is not the race you think it is, you can always be the tortoise.
But know…and I mean really listen here…your future is so bright. You have so much to look forward to regardless. Carrying your own child doesn’t define you as a woman or mean you won’t ever be happy. You can still have children. Don’t think you can’t.
Ok its not going to be the way you planned and if you choose not to then this is ok too. Yes it’s annoying when people constantly ask when you will have children and it’s not right. Believe me I am trying to change that along with so many others going through the same and indeed other situations that make carrying a child difficult or impossible.
It will feel weird but it will become natural to say words like vagina, dilators, sex in public company when they always felt a bit weird and almost ‘dirty’ to say. Honestly there is so much out there that you won’t believe, you are just going to have to see it for yourself and know that your voice, however loud, has a place.
My last advice to you is. Live. Love. Dream. Cry when you need to and don’t hide it. There will still be good and bad days even though, and hard to believe right now, you get to a really good place with how you feel about MRKH. This is totally fine and natural. You are only human after all.
Just know that dreams can come true even if those dreams get a little misshapen and topsy turvy along the way, they are just growing with you.
All my love
Big Charlie xx