I can still remember sitting in the room at the doctor’s office. She came in, soberly, and closed the door. I saw the tears in her eyes and I reached for my mom’s hand…knowing what was coming. She told me I had no cervix or uterus. My ovaries had stopped forming and had dropped in location. I had virtually no vaginal length.
She painted a bleak picture. She told me I would never have a normal sex life. I would never get pregnant. So many nevers. So many thoughts of the futures taken away from me. I had just turned 17. I had a boyfriend. I was in love. We talked about marriage and baby names. He was there when my ovaries were removed. However, we broke up a couple years later and I remember thinking that I should stay single – what man would want me?
Jeremy did. Jeremy told me that the lack of reproductive organs didn’t make a difference to him. I was 19 and while sad about my infertility, I was ok with it. I didn’t want kids anyway. I was so young and knew that adoption was always going to be an option. We got married two years later and decided that we would talk about expanding our family when I was 25.
We settled into marriage. After a couple years, I started aching for a baby. My younger sister got pregnant and it almost tore our relationship apart. I sank into a deep depression. I lost all desire to live. I didn’t want to even try. I struggled for a while and then decided to attempt therapy. I sat in the therapist’s office and told her this was my last resort. And it worked! I went on an antidepressant and did my therapy and it worked.
Jeremy was offered a job in California, so we packed up and left Michigan. It was there I got a phone call…were we interested in adopting a baby? We weren’t home study approved or necessarily looking, but I wanted to be a mom. We said yes and began to plan for a life with a baby. A couple months before he was due, we found out we were lied to, and the baby would stay with the birth parents. I was crushed. I was angry. I mourned. And then I got a call from a high school friend.
She was pregnant with her third, and couldn’t parent. Were we interested? We talked about it and became what I called “cautiously optimistic.” We did our home study. We bought a fire extinguisher and first aid kit. One of the bedrooms housed a changing table. Tiny clothes fill the closet. I packed two large suitcases, a stroller, car seat, and carry on bag. I was on the way to meet my daughter.
When I landed in Kansas, I started crying. The birth mother would be meeting me at the airport and I would see her pregnant belly for the first time. I had to sit and compose myself for a few minutes before I got off the plane. There she was. We had only two days before the scheduled c-section and I was beyond nervous. I talked with the birth mother, C, about my hopes and plans for the future.
Then the big day came. They wheeled C back in the operating room to prepare her, and I sat in a chair in my scrubs. Booties covered my shoes, my hair in a net, mask on my face. They told me it was time and I followed the nurse back. There was C in the room. We both had tears in our eyes and I held her hand while we chatted. Then they asked if I wanted to see the baby be born. I stood up and there she was.
I followed her to the warming room, only leaving to quickly show C a picture of her. Rosie was born at 7:52 AM and at 7:58 AM, I held her. From there on, I never left her side. Everyone called me her mommy and I sat in disbelief. I had a baby! She was mine! I loved her and kissed her. I kept asking if I could kiss and hold her and everyone laughed and reminded me I was her mommy.
We stayed in the hospital for a few days in our own room, visiting with C several times. When I went to my mom’s house to await clearance to leave the state, I discovered being a Mom to a baby is the hardest thing you will ever do. I suffered from postpartum adoption depression…sleep deprivation will wear you down. But Rosie and I made it. We managed. We learned together.
It took 7 weeks for everything to get pulled together for us to leave. Lots of paperwork! Rosie and I got on the plane and were on our way. Everyone kept complimenting me on my baby…how pretty she is, how sweet, how calm. I soaked it up and smiled. I already knew what an amazing baby I had!
We are now home and Jeremy is settling in and learning the ropes. We had to be apart for that 7 weeks, only seeing each other for 4 days. He had to work. It’s amazing having someone else to do this with. Years ago, I never thought I would be a mom. How would I afford it? Would someone want me to adopt their baby? For 10 years I kept faith in God and believed somehow things would work out.
Never give up. Never stop hoping and dreaming. None of us can predict the future. None of us can say for sure where life brings us. I’m so grateful for my daughter. We will finalize in November and she will be forever ours. We are a family of three now. MRKH doesn’t have the right to take anything away from us…not even being a mother.